What do highly sensitive teenagers need in order to feel well?

highly sensitive teen by Anatoliy Karlyuk

Have you known that around 15-20% of people in a particular group are highly sensitive?

Easily overwhelmed by loud sounds, bright lights, crowded spaces or too many activities? Easily bruised, feeling pain more intensely, fatigued quickly, feeling completely down when criticised? Stronger side effects to medications?

Perfectionist, aesthetics matters a lot. Vivid imagination, close connection to nature, art, creative process?

High sensitivity, when understood and tended well, has many advantages: an eye for detail, stronger empathy, creativity, sunny nature, great and deep relationships, loyalty. These qualities are highly valued in personal relationships but also in some professions.

If this speaks to you and you recognize your teenager in the above description then here are some tips on how to help highly sensitive teenagers to feel well.

1.        They need to know that we believe them and in them.

No matter how hard it is for you to believe in their pain, fear, stress level - trust them. Find the right balance between encouragement and pushing over their limits. Respect their decisions not to do something. Negotiate when and what they can try new, less comfortable in order they get used to stepping out of their comfort zone.

2.        They need extra rest.

Contrary to their peers they need to rest more. This need is partly due to the hormonal changes in adolescence but is also linked with the over-stimulation of their nervous system. Let them stay at home if they prefer to, provide enough breaks during the week between extracurricular activities. When they are younger, they may not be aware they need resting, so you need to introduce it gently into the routine. (This of course requires that you are perfectly fine with missing out on things, events, meet-ups, even opportunities.)

3.        They need alone time.

Do not panic if they seek to be alone more than often. Just remember how they used to play when they were little-probably retreating into a corner or to their room more often than their siblings or peers. It is vital for their nervous system to calm down.

4.        They need time to create.

Maybe you think they should concentrate more on studying or actively moving outside. Let them to create as much as they need. It is not waste of time but rather stabilising activity.

5.        They need very quiet environment to be able to study.

They can be easily distracted by noises - loud talking, hoovering, younger sibling running and shouting around. If possible, clear the space or allow them to use headphones. If they want to retreat into a library, let them go, setting aside fear that they will chat with friends instead of studying. Sometimes both can be a good mix while prepping for the exams.

6.        Encourage them to learn breathing techniques, relaxation methods, mindfulness techniques, yoga practices, connecting with nature. 

High sensitivity is genetic; it is a neural trait and has both advantages and disadvantages. It requires positive parenting in childhood and adolescence or re-parenting oneself if during the childhood our feelings, experience of world was not accepted. Any effort to change, diminish, mock the feelings and perception of the reality from parents, siblings, peers or teachers can have detrimental effect on self-esteem and overall development.

Therefore, in order that highly sensitive teens feel well, they need to have a solid knowledge on how the nervous system can get over - aroused and to learn early on how to self-regulate. If this awareness and life adjustments are not put in place, young adults lose ground under their feet and the agency to lead fulfilling lives. Often, unconsciously they may run into exhaustion, dissatisfaction, self-blame and shame.

The way forward is to familiarise oneself with high sensitivity, adjusting family/school atmosphere, expectations, learning to rest as a family, letting go of control and fears about teenagers that are often our projections. Second step is to learn calming and grounding techniques that can be useful in periods of elevated stress, such as testing, exams, big celebrations, new ventures etc.

If you liked the blog, leave me a comment, I will be happy to be reading from you and answering eventual questions.